On this week’s episode of Period Story, I had a fantastic conversation with Nicola Rae-Wickham, the founder of A Life More Inspired. Nicola talks about the importance of being authentic, the power of imperfection and shares her fertility story. And of course, Nicola shares the story of her first period!
Listen to hear Nicola share the story of the very unusual pre-class protocol her PE teacher used that led to her realising she had her first period. She says that she took it all on the chin.
We talked about Nicola’s journey on and off the pill and how a suspected PCOS diagnosis led to a discovery that changed the way Nicola approached her health, wellbeing and mindset.
This changed the way she approached her next pregnancy. Nicola says she went into trying to conceive the second time with a mindset of trusting, surrounding and feeling really full and whole. She says that she had to trust that her life was enough, whatever the outcome was.
Nicola says that we are enough and that moving away from the trap of perfection helps us understand where we can strive to be imperfect. She says it’s so freeing to be able to rock up and trust what you know and who you are. Thank you, Nicola!
Get in touch with Nicola:
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Nicola Rae-Wickham is founder of A Life More Inspired where she’s combines her 20 year corporate marketing experience with her coaching in order to mentor big-hearted creatives, empaths and sensitive souls to find, use and amplify their voice to build brands based on truth-telling and soul-connecting and do work that makes a meaningful contribution to the world.
Nicola is committed to bringing nuance to the personal development, spiritual and wellness spaces, so that it is development for the many and not the few.
Le’Nise: I’m so excited to have you on the show today. Welcome to the show.
Nicola: Thank you for having me.
Le’Nise: So let’s get into the question I ask my guests at the beginning of each show is tell me the story of your first period.
Nicola: OK, so the story of my first period was and it actually started in my first week of starting high school. So it was kind of a time of transition and a big time of firsts, first week of starting high school. And so I had that kind of feeling in my tummy, but I thought it was just nerves about starting high school. I turned 13, kind of two weeks after that. And I just thought it was like being in this big school and kind of starting off in year 8. And you could see all the older ones there in year 11. And they looked all so big and scary and like adults, I couldn’t believe that they were actually schoolchildren. And we had a PE lesson. And at my school, the PE teacher was notorious. She was so scary. Right.
Like even before entering the school, everyone knew about her. And so she had, we got in for our very first PE lesson and she was checking our feet for verrucas. Well, because that’s what they did then. It was like, we weren’t wearing socks. And so they were really kind of in the, in the changing room. They wanted to check all of our feet for veruccas to make sure we didn’t have any so that we could proceed with getting changed for PE. And what she used to do is we all used to have to sit there, by then we changed into our PE kit, we were in our little netball skirts and polo shirts and you have to put your feet out. She would grab your foot and yank it up. Oh, check the bottom of your feet. Yeah, I know it sounds like I went to school in the Dark Ages, only like 20 something years ago, 30 years ago. And when she did that, my best friend was sitting opposite me. And afterwards, she went,”Nic, Nic, I think your period started.” That’s how it started.
Le’Nise: So how did she know that it had started?
Nicola: She saw the blood of my knickers as the, as the teacher had, like, pulled up her arm, pulled up our legs and we were wearing these little netball skirts, it kind of exposed it all.
Le’Nise: Oh, my.
Nicola: Yeah, I know, right? Beth said she was like, “I think you started your period.” And I was like,”Oh my goodness.”
Le’Nise: So what did you do?
Nicola: So I went to the bathroom, used tissue. And even though I knew that it was coming because I was relatively late out of all of my friends, I was turning 13, like I said, a week or two weeks after the start of term, I was still really surprised. And I just went to the toilet and used tissue.
And let me just get through the rest of the day if I could get home and tell my mom.
Le’Nise: You sound like you were, you, you took it on the chin. You went to the to the bathroom, got your tissue and got on with the rest of the day where some, some girls would have just fallen to pieces.
How how did you know what to what to do and handle, how to handle it?
Nicola: Goodness me, I was expecting it yes, so it wasn’t kind of a major surprise. It’s not like I looked at the blood and thought, what’s that? And where’s it come from? Kind of thing. Yeah. And I suppose as a child, I was so used to just absorbing and getting on with it and also very measured about where I would show my feelings and where I wouldn’t. So I knew that I just needed to ride out the day. Just need to ride out the day and I can get home and then I can deal with it, so that can kind of compartmentalising. And I was a very sensitive and I still am a sensitive adult, I was a very sensitive child. And the way that I would deal with that is like, ‘OK, let’s just get through the let’s get through this lesson. Let’s get through this day. We get home to our sanctuary and everything will be OK.’ So it was kind of like that with the period as well.
Le’Nise: And what happened when you got home?
Nicola: Got home and told my mom and she was like, “Oh, my goodness, it’s here. It started. I can’t believe it’s in your first week of high school.” And then she got out all of the supplies and proceeded to talk me through everything. And then I was like, “What about Dad? Like. Do I have to tell him?” She was like, “Don’t worry about that.” I mean, I could tell that she told him because he just it just felt like he looked at me differently.
It felt like he looked to me. This is sudden, like concern like, “Are you okay, Nicola?” “Yeah, I’m alright.” And then that was it. Therein started the journey of menstruation.
Le’Nise: Your mom, she was quite welcoming and open when you when you got home.
And did, she did, she explain what was to come or was it just an explanation of what was happening to you on the occasion of your first period?
Nicola: I think it was really just about the first period, it was kind of like, well, this will happen. Well, I knew it would happen monthly, like I knew, like the ins and outs of it beforehand. And she was like, it might be painful and it will happen a few times, will happen once every month. And I can get you painkillers, a hot water bottle and here’s a basin and the cleanliness side of it and the hygiene side of it was, to be honest, now I reflect was the majority of the conversation.
It was almost like, now you need to keep extra clean. Here’s a special basin.
Which in itself is quite interesting, right?
Le’Nise: What was the basin for?
Nicola: To wash with. Over and above having like a bath? It was.
Le’Nise: Oh, OK, so, you know, is it like you would we would wash your knickers separately or would you have, just talk me through what the basin like, how you would actually use the basin?
Nicola: The basin was for the basin was for soaking knickers, OK. And like washing them out where they, if they’ve been soiled and then. Also, the basin was if so, I would have a wash in the morning, but then if I felt like I needed later on, like throughout the day or something before, then there was the basin.
Le’Nise: Right. OK, so this idea that you needed to feel you need to be extra clean and you needed to take extreme measures to have that extra cleanliness. How do you feel about that now?
Nicola: Now I can see that it was suggesting in some way that being on your period was dirty and that you, like you said you needed, I needed that extra layer of hygiene practise now that my period had started. Which is, yeah, just the connotations of that.
It’s just, I mean, without too much information, that’s not a practise I do now in my nearly 40 year old self, two kids later and like you have more of an understanding and even like that stopped pretty much pretty early, actually.
I then went to university at 18 years old. So it’s. Yeah.
Le’Nise: And then from, from that occasion of your first period, how did you go through the rest of high school having come to, come to have your period amongst the later, latest of your friends, what kind of conversations were you having with your friends about periods?
Nicola: I don’t really remember us talking about them that much. It might be we would discuss when we were on our period and some of my friends would have had quite heavy ones. Where they wouldn’t have attended school, whereas mine were never like that, so I would be in pain and I’d be uncomfortable, but it wouldn’t be bad enough to not attend school or anything. So the conversation might just be oh I’m on my period, and also if we needed help to like to borrow a sanitary towel or a tampon or help getting it to the bathroom because obviously we couldn’t let anyone.
I was at a mixed school, so God forbid a boy would find out you were on your period. There was almost like this kind of we’d have to get together and collude in passing each other like it was contraband again. Now I look back and I’m just like we had to hide it so much or we felt like we did so there was definitely the embarrassment around it.
So we would come together in helping each other to navigate and going to the toilet and things. And it’s so interesting because then you weren’t allowed to go to the toilet mid lesson. So as a girl, if you asked to go to the toilet mid-lesson, certain teachers would be like, oh, OK, of course and certain ones, you know, go back and sit down and then that girl would have to go through the, actually miss or even God forbid, sir, I need to go to the bathroom with all of that, that we had to do that we would, we would help each other. We would cover for each other. But other than that, we didn’t really discuss them.
Le’Nise: It’s so odd how teachers they, they, there’s this level of control where you if you have to go to the bathroom, they just, you have to hold it. Whereas you get to the rest of your life and if you have, you get told if you have to go, then go. And it’s just a lack of control and almost shame around going like toilet habits.
And then that extends to periods.
But I wonder with you said that there was it was seen as contraband and there was this kind of embarrassment there. Did you carry on this feeling after you left high school?
Nicola: I definitely carried it into the workplace. So it was just that, it’s almost like my period is something that’s happening to me and I then must deal with it alone, but also not let anyone else know I’m dealing with it. So it would be being in the office and needing to go to the bathroom and change my sanitary towel or a tampon and be like and stuffing it up my sleeve to go to the bathroom because I’d have to walk across an open plan office.
And if I took my bag, it would be so obvious that I would be like, let it be obvious like it. But it’s almost that level of having to protect, protect, even though I’m so conscious of the language I’m using to protect everyone from what I don’t know, but protect everyone from the knowledge that I was on my period, God forbid. I think so.
I definitely carried that element right through to to the workplace. Yes.
Le’Nise: And as you, as you got older, you said that in the beginning you experienced discomfort and pain. How did your periods become as you went into your 20s and 30s?
Nicola: So I went on the pill when I was around 18, 19, and I didn’t come off the pill until I was about 30. So I was on it for a really long time. And it completely I didn’t know it at the time, but it completely masked my symptoms. So my periods were really light, I had really minimal pain. So my relationship with my periods was very detached. I would also use the pill to control when they would happen. So if I had a holiday, a big night out, I just didn’t want them that month because whatever, I didn’t have them. So I became very much yeah, I was able to control them and I just became very detached from what they were. And because I yeah, I used to have kind of slight mood swings and alterations, but it wasn’t anything dramatic. Yeah.
Le’Nise: And can you talk a little bit about why you originally decided to go on the pill?
Nicola: Yeah, yeah. I went on the pill because of contraception.
Le’Nise: OK. Yeah. And then you and then you had the the secondary effects of having lighter periods, no pain, and then found that you were able to control your menstrual cycle.
So when you say that you didn’t want to have a period when you were on the pill. Tell us what you would do.
Nicola: I would just so I was on. Oh, my gosh. I was on like Microgynon, which I believe is that is that the mini pill?
Le’Nise: Yeah. Yeah.
Nicola: So I would just carry on the packs and then you wouldn’t have a period.
It was like magic. Like magic at the time before I knew what I was really doing, but yeah.
So I would just, I just carry on. I wouldn’t.
Le’Nise: You were on it. You were on it for 12 years. And what made you decide to come off the pill?
Nicola: I decided I wanted to have a baby and I knew that, I just had a feeling that it was going to be challenging for me. Then it became a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I was like, okay, let me get this pill out of my system. I’ve had for so long. Also, around that time I had suspected PCOS. So when I did my reading up on that, the advice was like, the pill isn’t that great, so that combined with and knowing that I wanted to conceive fairly soon, I decided to come off the pill.
Le’Nise: And what made you what made you think that you had PCOS?
Nicola: So I’d gone to the doctor at that time. We had private health insurance through my husband’s work, and I’d gone for something else, which I can’t remember. And it turned out that I had an ovarian cyst. And so it was all those investigations. They found out I had an ovarian cyst which needed to be removed rapidly. So within they thought they found it, within six weeks I was in theatre and they were taking it out. And through that process she was like, you might have suspected PCOS. There was like extra hair that I’d experienced. And then there was another symptom. I can’t remember what it was now. And to be honest, the PCOS never got confirmed. It was then it was almost like she she thought I had suspected PCOS. Then she sent me for a scan.
I had this ovarian cyst and then that kind of took over and we never really went back and investigated.
Le’Nise: And then did that have an effect on your, you then when you started to try to conceive?
Nicola: Yeah, absolutely. So there’s a bit of a story. So when I went in for the operation, for the ovarian cyst, when they opened me up, they realised I’ve got an abnormal reproductive system. So my fallopian tube on one side isn’t fully developed. And I’ve got a bicornuate uterus. So it’s like a heart shaped uterus as well as the fallopian tube on one side not being fully developed. So they, well, it was, it was really, really dramatic, actually, the day before my wedding. So six weeks before my wedding, I had the emergency operation and then the day before my wedding, I received a letter that I’d been cc’d on from my surgeon to my GP saying, telling her all of this and saying that it was really unlikely that I would conceive naturally. And if I did, that I would keep to term. So I found this out the day before my wedding. I was like devastated, literally. I was packing my bags to go to the hotel and got the letter. I opened it and read and read that. And that absolutely devastated me and so, did the wedding and that was all fine. But then that started a really like a year of trying and nothing happening, but knowing in the back of my mind that it was might be due to this abnormal reproductive system. So, yeah, it’s sort of a really challenging journey. But then I started after about a year, 18 months of nothing happening. I, I saw a naturopath. She was a homeopath and a naturopath. And she absolutely changed everything. Within three months of seeing her, I conceived, but I miscarried. So I ended up miscarrying three times. But then I conceived and it stuck. And then I was able to have my eldest daughter.
Le’Nise: Wow. So you, the day before your wedding, getting this news and having to shift from just absolutely finding that you might find out potentially that you might not have children to then shift into happy, happy families mode, and it’s interesting at the beginning, because you said that you had always been you’d been able to compartmentalise.
Did you find yourself doing that then?
Nicola: Yeah. And it’s only in talking to you now, Le’Nise, that I’m realising that that’s exactly what I did. It was like, hey, I can be devastated tonight, my look, my best friend, she stayed with me in the hotel the night before. She literally scooped me up and looked after me and then got to the morning. And it was like, you know what? This is my day. So whatever’s going to happen after this is going to happen afterwards, but I’m going to enjoy today. And I did. But it was that exact mindset of when you get back, like we went to Thailand on honeymoon, it was like you can process in a couple of days when we’re in Thailand, for now, you need to get on with it. And it’s so funny because I feel like I’m such a different person now. Now, I don’t know if I would do that. Now I bring my whole self to everything and I don’t because I don’t have to do that. Whereas back then and I feel like, like systemic and societal conditioning has meant that I will show certain parts of myself in certain situations, then being a sensitive soul, then being a bit of a chameleon means that, yeah, that I did and it’s only in talking to you was like, wow, yeah.
Le’Nise: When you got back, you said that when you got back from Thailand, you allowed yourself to process the news you had been given. When you think back on what, the way that you were processing it back then, what, what would you say to that self about what you, the way you were processing this news?
Nicola: I would say to her to, I would say to her to start her self discovery journey then. I was starting it unknowingly. But I hadn’t yet discovered the world, kind of I hadn’t discovered the inner work, so if I would say to her, like, believe in the power of you, believe in knowing that you’re, you are part of something far bigger, start to connect with spirituality because that will help you. But then I was doing it all on my own, and I just took on the weight of it, but it was that that was kind of the catalyst to me, almost doing what I’m doing now and being part of this world and and being the person I am now. It sent me on this journey.
Le’Nise: Often when we hear about these stories of infertility or suspected infertility, women are talking about what they had to do and their journey, and we don’t hear much about how they were able to get the support around them, especially the support from their husbands. Did you fall, did you lean on your husband for support or did you feel like this was something you had to take on yourself?
Nicola: And I kind of did. I kind of did he was supportive in the sense that he was like, “Well, we’ll we’ll do whatever we can to make it happen.” So and after the third miscarriage, he was like, “Right, let’s look into IVF.” And I was like, “whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, we’ve got other options first.” So he was kind of very alpha male practical in that way. And at that time, he was also doing some, like big IT exams that were really intense. He was like flying off to Brussels to take these exams. It was a really intense period for him. And so he wasn’t as emotionally available as maybe I needed him to be, but at the same time, I am quite independent in the way that I process again, I think I kind of compartmentalise and I did that again to deal with that period say he was good and he wasn’t good.
Le’Nise: You had you had this experience and then you had a kind of you had a light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you tell us the work that a little bit about the work that you did with the naturopath that changed your, your reproductive health?
Nicola: Yeah, absolutely. Well, it actually started off with I went on a girls holiday to Ibiza and it was a really, it was a really fun holiday. It was also a really spiritual holiday. And one of my friends who’s into all of this stuff, we were up really high up in the old town and we were looking out on the stars. It was nighttime. And she was like, “Nicola, tell the universe what you want.” And I was like, “What are you talking about?” And she was like, “Tell the universe what you want.” And I’d never done that before. And so I did that. And that really kind of started a journey for me and then bless her, she would get me crystals and she would get me orange crystals and she would tell me to put them on my tummy. And so that kind of started things. And then when I started seeing my homeopathic naturopath, she sorted out my diet. She sorted out my stress levels because I was working in where I was working at the time, I moved from fashion marketing into public sector communications, which was less stressful than fashion, and it was closer to home, but it was still, yeah, a lot. And also I was so stressed about not getting pregnant as well. So that was a big part of my stress levels. So we worked on diet, we worked on stress, we worked on mindset, although I didn’t know that it was mindset at the time. And she gave me homeopathic remedies, which were amazing. So what would happen is I would see her after every period and we would have a download of like how was it like what did it look like? How long did it last? I was doing my basal temperature.
Le’Nise: Yeah. Yeah, basal body temperature.
Nicola: Yeah, I was doing that. So we would kind of do a debrief report and then she would adjust the remedies according to what kind of came up. And so she had a transformative effect on my life, like she’s the reason that I was able to conceive. And it was so interesting as well as I felt like I’d get a biology lesson, like I went through the whole of,. I mean, I started seeing her and I was be about 32. I just feel embarrassed to say it now. I kind of thought you could get pregnant any time, at 32 years old.
I was like.
Le’Nise: Well, you’re not alone there.
Nicola: Good because I’d gone so long just trying not to get pregnant.
And then and I literally just thought and my mom would always when I was young, a teenager giving me the talk like, “Do not get pregnant, Nicola, do not get pregnant.” So I literally just thought you could get pregnant any time. So when I sat down with, her name’s Cathy and she explained to me how it actually works, I was like, what?
We have a fertile window?
So in that year that we were trying to conceive, I did, I didn’t really know about all of that stuff.
So she yeah, she sorted me out from that point of view as well. So I was doing all the charting. I was doing everything. And yeah, I got an education and relearning and change in perspective and the homeopathic remedies really help.
Le’Nise: So thinking about the education that you, that you got about what was happening to your body or what continues to happen to your body reproductively and hormonally, what what do you wish you learnt back in high school?
Nicola: I wish I’d learn, I wish I’d learnt how periods actually work in terms of that they aren’t bad, like I’m really excited to teach my daughters that they could use, that they can work with their periods rather than working against them. And when I found out about the seasons, that just changed everything for me, especially, as like a real creative person and a feelings person and and so much of my work is and how I am is intuitive. So being able to tune into that. It’s like a bit of a superpower. And so I wish I had been it had been talked about in that kind of way. I wish I’d known the power it is, rather it just being this thing that happens. And that means that now you can get pregnant.
Le’Nise: It’s so interesting that what you’re saying, because so many of my guests and so many of the women I’ve spoken to have said that their menstrual health and their reproductive health education in school was very much focussed on this is what you need to do to not get pregnant. And they didn’t learn about, you know, what you’re saying about the seasons of the menstrual cycle, kind of the phases. And, you know, with menstruation being the winter and ovulation being the summer and how they really wish that they had learnt that. So, no, you, you’re not alone in what you’re saying when you so you were able to get pregnant. And obviously that was a real game changer for you after your first pregnancy. What did you what learnings did you take from what you did before you you got pregnant into your next pregnancy?
Nicola: Well, it was completely different, completely different experience, because I was so, I was so stressed and worried and anxious about not being able to get pregnant the first time, so when that happened, I was like, OK, I’ve got my one, I’m cool, this is fine. And there’s like a six, seven year gap between me deciding to go again. And the second time was much more of a considered decision like I knew I was walking into. There was a little bit like, is this the right thing kind of thing? And I was just a lot more relaxed about it, like really, really relaxed. I wasn’t, other than doing the basic charting, so I knew and I was fertile, but I wasn’t doing all of this stuff that I had done the first time. And it was very much kind of if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. So I was literally and I was a different person in approaching that pregnancy than the first one. I was very much trusting and surrendering and also feeling really full and whole so that if it didn’t happen, I’d still be as happy as if it did. And it was my, yeah. Whereas the first time in literally I remember sitting down and talking to my naturopath and being like, I don’t know what my life will be like if, I can’t like, I cannot see my life without having a baby. Where is the second time I was just like, yeah, I’m totally leaving it up to the universe and the ancestors to do what they see fit.
Le’Nise: So you mentioned that mindset work that you did before your first pregnancy and then you’re the way you’re talking, you really hear the shift in the way you approach it. And you mentioned the word trust.
Talk a little bit about what you had to trust in order for you to go through that second, the journey to the second pregnancy.
Nicola: I had to trust that my life was enough.
Regardless of what happened and trust that there’s a plan and whatever the outcome of that plan is, it’s okay.
Yeah, it was, it was more about it was about trusting kind of the powers that are bigger than us and also trusting myself. And I was in, I was in such a place of fulfilment and it’s kind of like, life is good either way. And what I wish I could go back to Nicola at 30 years old and tell her, even if you hadn’t have been able to have, yes, you would have been devastated. But life still would have been good. But I didn’t believe that I couldn’t see anything wider then becoming a mum.
Le’Nise: It takes a lot for us to be able to step out of where we are in that moment and see the bigger picture.
And, you know, they, they do say that hindsight is 20/20. But it’s interesting that shift that you, you had and you were able to take your, your experience and actually trust more and know that your life would be OK because it, it was OK. And it is OK. Just wonderful hearing you express it like this.
Nicola: Yeah, it is. And it’s really nice to be to be expressing it as well, because when you’re in it and doing life, you don’t often see an especially kind of this part of my life as well. Zooming up and out of it. Yeah, it’s really nice.
Le’Nise: Can you talk about the work that you do? Because you you’ve touched on it briefly, some of the personal development work that you do. But I know that your business really involves a lot of this, so talk a little bit about the work that you do and working with women.
Nicola: So what I do is I help women to show up more wholeheartedly in their brands primarily. I’m trained in marketing. It’s what I’ve done since university. And I then I’ve got my coaching sets as well. So I kind of combine them to help small women businesses to really put that heart and soul into their brands and then move on the ideas that they’ve got. So and and I believe especially for Generation X women, where we have a lot of unlearning to do, a lot of places and spaces where we for various reasons have had to edit ourselves and assimilate and filter. And then we get to this stage where and then we had to continue to do that through corporate gets the stages of having our own businesses. And everyone’s like, just be yourself.
And you’re like, number one, I don’t know who I am.
And then you want me to be it. I work with women on helping them kind of draw out the essence of who they are and then infuse that into their brands, because those are the best personal brands that are infused with who you are. So I talk about imperfection a lot and authenticity and just brand building from a space of telling your truth.
Le’Nise: Do you think that, that journey from being in the corporate world to to going to have your own business and having to show up as yourself and to quote unquote be, be yourself, whatever that is? Why do you think that’s so hard?
Nicola: I think it’s so hard because society tells us that we shouldn’t. Society tells us that we’re not enough. And so it then becomes we become so used to being what other people need us to be. And this goes for massively for Black women and women from marginalised communities where the editing and the code switching in order to fit in is prolific because literally the workplace or society is saying that you being assertive, for instance, in the boardroom, you’re suddenly aggressive. So when constantly like second guessing and having to think before we do and speak and be so that’s definitely part of it. And then also for all women, especially in the corporate space, there’s a particular version that is acceptable. And so it’s trying to fit into that mould. And then when we take it wider to advertising and marketing of which are I’ve very much been a part of, but it is designed to ride on insecurities. Buy this lipstick, and you’re going to feel better because you’re not good enough as it is. And so constantly going in, not feeling that being yourself is enough. So it’s, it’s complex and it’s layered and it’s nuanced. And I’m endlessly fascinated by it.
Le’Nise: To make that shift, to be able to show up, show up as your whole self, what would you say that you said there’s nuance and there’s lots of layers to it. If you’re talking to a woman who is at the beginning of that journey. What would you say that she needs to start doing?
Nicola: The first thing that I believe that she needs to start doing and it’s a task that I get people to do in my in my signature programme, Wholehearted. And it’s it sounds like a little bit of a strange one because I get them to shine the light outwards before we go inwards. But I get them to tell me who their wholehearted inspo is. So who is the person probably on the Internet who they look at and they just like I love what they do. I love the way that they show up. And at the beginning, they feel really removed from that person. So the type of women that I attract, they’re empath, sensitive souls, they’re big hearted creatives so often, the women who all that in how in space are the likes of Brené Brown, Liz Gilbert and people that are really showing up unapologetically. And so they see themselves as being so far removed from them. And what they will see as we go through is that what you aspire to be like, what you’re inspired by is actually a reflection of what is within you. So that’s one of the first things I get to them to do, is actually to look outwards. And then after that, very quickly looking at what lights them up, what brings you joy, what lights you up. And then we can start from that place and all the way through my thing is imperfection for the win, like where can you strive to be imperfect?
Le’Nise: Do you think that a lot of women are coming away from this, this trap of perfectionism?
Nicola: Absolutely. Perfectionism is what is stopping us in so many ways. And it pertains to the question you asked me earlier about being in like corporate spaces and not being able to be yourself. It presents this image of you’ve got to be perfect as a woman. We have to be like we’re told, we have to be perfect. Anything less is not acceptable. And so we’re constantly reaching for what we all know deep down is unattainable. And that either keeps us stuck and doing nothing at all because it’s kind of like, well, why bother? Or it keeps us tired and exhausted and overwhelmed trying to reach this pinnacle of perfection that doesn’t exist. So, yeah, it’s what holds so much of us back. And then the other layer to perfectionism as well, is that it’s, it’s like a protection mechanism. And if I’m perfect, no one will criticise and judge me.
Right. And what we all know is that even if we were perfect and perfection doesn’t exist, we’re always going to get the judgement anyway. But it is so interesting where it’s used as a protection.
Le’Nise: Yeah, I can totally relate to that. What happens when women, they embrace imperfection?
Nicola: Oh, gosh, it’s liberation happens. It is so freeing to be able to rock up and trust. It’s that word again, you’re able to trust what you know, trust who you are, trust what’s going to come out of your mouth is is OK. Trust that what you’re going to tap onto the keys and write is OK and enough. So it’s just freeing on a real practical level. It saves time and. Right. Like you’re not procrastinating as much.
It doesn’t get rid of procrastination. I wish, but not as much. You’re not rerecording that video 10 million times, not deliberating over every decision. You’re not, a big one that’s coming up for my clients right now is overpreparing.
I like I can’t remember this saying something like prepared to fail or. Failed to prepare or prepare to fail?
Yeah, I hate that. It gets drummed into us probably from school and there’s an element at school where we need to study for exams.
So it’s helpful. But then as women, we take that on and the amount of women I see overpreparing. Which then seeps into over delivering. And it’s all coming from a place of, if I over prepare and over deliver, I’ll be perfect.
And then I won’t get judged.
Le’Nise: How would you connect with the idea that, you know, for, for Black women, that you get told that you have to work twice as hard just to be on it, on the same playing field? So there is this level of overpreparing and overworking that that you do do because you feel like you will get judged not only for what you’re doing, but because of the colour of your skin.
Nicola: That is a big one. And that is one that I consciously reconcile every day for myself and absolutely my Black clients I’m helping them through that because it’s it’s a belief and it’s a truth. But our job is to be very conscious of it. Right. So it can lead so many of us down that road of burnout because we are pushing and pushing. And it’s kind of like, well, what about the suggestion is if if you didn’t push so hard, if you trusted, again, that what you’re delivering is enough. That, yes, you are going to be judged harsher, like I’m not going to a beat around the bush on that, we are judged by a different standard. But if we just do the best with what we’ve got and where we can, and that doesn’t mean staying up working longer or doing more. But actually, it means if we can trust what we’re doing and what we’re delivering and I believe infusing more of us into it. That is actually where the magic is, in authenticity. And probably if we were having this conversation 20 years ago, I mean, we’d be a lot younger, but it would be very different. It was a very different time that we were coming up in. Now is our time like we can. I’m saying to a lot of my Black clients at the moment, you just need to be, right, now just and we’ve never been told that before. We just need to be and work from that place? And I do believe the condition of work two times harder, it has to be conscious, we have to, because it’s so easy to to get into every day and have us burning out.
Le’Nise: Yeah, yeah. Well, lots of food for thought there, as I knew there would be, because you’re so full of wisdom.
Can you tell listeners if they’re here connecting with what you’re saying? And I think I, I need to work with Nicola. How they connect with you?
Nicola: Yes, absolutely. So Instagram is my main playground and I’m there @alifemoreinspired and my DMs are always open and they come and have a chat with me there. And then I have my signature programme, which is Wholehearted, which is just, oh, it’s beautiful. Someone described it as a warm hug and a loving nudge, but it really is taking you from having your idea for your brand by the end of it, having a clear voice, stepping into your authenticity, and also importantly, creating content that connects and converts because, you know, that’s what it’s all about. So, yeah, that’s that’s one of my main things on my membership as well, which is a beautiful, beautiful ecosystem. Yeah.
Le’Nise:If listeners take one thing away from what you’ve shared today, what would you want that to be?
Nicola: It would be imperfection for the win. If people could walk around their days and just remember that that would yeah, that would bring me so much joy and I think that would be the most helpful thing that I could leave.
Le’Nise: Thank you so much for coming on the show. I knew this was going to be a brilliant episode and it really is. So thank you so for being so open and showing up as your whole self.
Nicola: Oh, Le’Nise, thank you so much. Honestly, this conversation is just warmed my heart and. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.