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Period Story Podcast, Episode 42: Arianna Radji-Lee, Talk About The Stuff That Is Scary, Uncomfortable and Embarrassing

On today’s episode of Period Story, I am so happy to share my candid conversation with Arianna Radji-Lee, the founder of Pachamama London.

We had a fantastic conversation about birth control, how Arianna transitioned off the pill, the importance of being open and honest about what you’re going through, Arianna’s fertility journey and of course, the story of Arianna’s first period. I can’t wait for you to hear this episode!

Arianna said that from the beginning she felt as though her period was negative and something that wasn’t to be spoken about. She says that she feels completely differently about it now and is very outspoken about her menstrual health.

We talked about Arianna’s contraception journey and she shared that she didn’t have a period for 10 years. Once she decided to come off the pill, in preparation for starting a family, she had to relearn what having a period was like for her.

Arianna also shared her fertility journey. She says that in the beginning, she became a ‘trying to conceive monster’ trying to do all the things and trying to get it right. She says that it’s challenging because she’s been so public about her fertility story.

Arianna says that we need to talk about the stuff that is scary, uncomfortable and embarrassing because other people are likely going through the same thing. Thank you, Arianna!

Get in touch with Arianna:

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ARIANNA’S BIO

Arianna is the founder of Pachamama, a company that supports women’s transition into motherhood by offering pre and postnatal health and wellbeing events, and access to a growing network of child experts, health practitioners and like-minded Mamas. 

When she’s not working on Pachamama, Arianna freelances as an event consultant in the marketing and creative industries; and until recently was bopping to beats as a spinning instructor at boutique fitness studio, PSYCLE.

Arianna’s always had a relentless curiosity of new cultures and foods, which means she’s rarely in one place for long, either planning an upcoming trip or sharing details of the latest one on her travel recommendation website, Anonymous Traveller. A born and bred Londoner with Persian heritage, Arianna lives in North West London with her hubby.

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SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Le’Nise: Thank you for so much for coming on the show.

Arianna: Oh, thank you so much for having me. It’s really interesting to be on this side of the podcast this time being interviewed.

Le’Nise: Let’s get started and get into the first question I always ask my guests, which is tell me the story of your very first period.

Arianna: Yeah, so I don’t think it was a great one, I don’t think it was anything to necessarily kind of like write home about. I mean, I knew I was 13 and I was a little later than a lot of my friends. I remember there being a lot of blood. I remember being in a bit of pain. And I remember I wasn’t at home. We were, I think, at a family friend’s house and my sisters were there. They’re much older than me. And my mom was there. And I went to the bathroom and I was and I just saw loads of blood. And I was like, “fuck Mum!” And I think I screamed for her. And then she came and and then she was like, “okay, let’s let’s let’s get you home”, because we weren’t really prepared for it. And I, I do distinctly remember her kind of mouthing to her friends, like “she just got her period”, which then I think because it was so hush hush, it kind of made me feel that way about my period, I think for a very, very long time. So that was like the first, I remember that was distinctly the first day I got it. But other than that, I don’t really. I remember my period in a really negative way. It was something that I never really spoke about. I went to an all girls boarding school, which for, you know, 100 likely 100 percent of the girls there were having regular cycles or irregular cycles, cycles of some sort. And aside from complaining about it and calling it the curse and using as an excuse to get out of stuff, I don’t really remember talking about it in any sort of positive way, which I think now is absolutely mental.

Le’Nise: So OK, so just take a step back and so, your first experience was at a family friend’s house when you got your period and your mom whispered to her friends probably to try to keep it discreet, but also not to embarrass you. Although it’s funny because I’ve had other guests on the show whose mom said: “she’s just got her period” and shouted it out to everyone. So you had a different experience? 

Arianna: Yeah. And to be fair, I think if my mom had shouted out and made it some sort of celebratory thing, I would have been angry. So it was a lose lose situation from the start.

Le’Nise: When you got it, did you have any sense of what was happening to you? 

Arianna: No, I don’t think so. I mean, it was a really long time ago, and I I have a terrible memory for the finer details of stuff. But I don’t I mean, yes, I mean, in biology, we kind of learnt about, you know, I remember ovaries and fallopian tubes and and how the how the egg comes down. But aside from that, I don’t really think I recognised what it meant at the time that it was, you know, starting your your womanhood journey, you know, breaking a you know, breaking into the different state, next phase of your life. I don’t think that it was ever discussed or thought about in that way, either at school or at home. So it was never something that made me feel. necessarily good, if that makes sense. 

Le’Nise: Yeah, so you were at an all girls boarding school and again, your experience is really interesting because I think about guests that I had on last week’s show, the last show that just came out, and she was saying that she went to an all girls school and she felt really empowered by her period. And it was just talked about like it was a normal thing. So your experience is quite interesting in that it was very negative and it was talking about like the curse and you. I don’t know, I just wouldn’t expect that from an all girls school.

Arianna: Yeah, neither would I thinking about it now and maybe I’ll have some some of my school friends listening and being like, “no, that’s not right, I had a really good experience. We talked about it all the time in a really positive way.” But I honestly don’t think that was the case. And maybe it was just that way for me.

But I don’t you know, I don’t remember, you know, now I sit down with my girlfriends and I’m like, yeah, I’m I’m a week away. Or like, I’m in dead of winter. I’m on my period. It’s, you know, I kind of, I kind of tell people where I’m at because I have a better understanding of what that then means for my moods and my behaviour. And I can inform my friends and my husband. Whereas back then it wasn’t spoken about at all. It was just like, yeah. I’m on the curse, and that’s that was kind of it, and I think maybe maybe it’s because, like, the school that I went to was relatively traditional, was pretty old school. So it wasn’t necessarily that open about these sorts of topics and bodily issues that not even issues, just bodily functions that can be seen as a little bit icky, but actually completely normal. 

Le’Nise: So you you grew up with this idea that during in your teenage years, that having a period was like a curse because that’s the language that was used around it. So then talk about what happened with your relationship with your period as you graduated from high school and then went into the next phase of your life.

Arianna: How old is high school?

Le’Nise: Secondary school.

Arianna: OK, so yes, 18, right. Sorry. And up until those kind of late teens, early 20s, my period was, was always quite a rough time. I remember just having a lot of but just having a lot of pain just before and during and yes, still not feeling particularly comfortable with it, which is a really tough thing, if I think about it now from 13 all the way up to that age, it’s really hard to, on a regular basis, have this happen to your body that you’re not really that comfortable with. And that makes me now feel quite sad about it because I have a completely different relationship with my period now, but then I kind of like when I went to university, was kind of the same, really, I mean, it was just it was just kind of not a nice thing that happened. And it wasn’t until sort of early 20s when I met my now husband, boyfriend at the time, that I actually then went on the pill and that almost I mean, that changed absolutely everything for me. 

Le’Nise: What made you go on the pill, was it contraception or was it to regulate your period?

Arianna: It was a bit of both, I think. I mean, he was my first sort of like long term boyfriend. So I was like, okay, let’s let’s go on some sort of contraception. But also the way that I think the GP at the time had described it to me, it was like, you know. It will help manage the pain. It will help regulate your period, it may even stop your period, because I went on the mini, mini pill and so I was like, yeah, tick, tick, tick. Let’s try this thing. I went on the non mini pill first, and that didn’t really sit well with my body. I remember like, my boobs just got really, really big and I felt even more uncomfortable. 

But then I found one that really suited me and I was and I stuck with it for like 10 years. 

Le’Nise: And you didn’t have any issues at all with it?

Arianna: I didn’t have any issues at all. No, I mean, I didn’t have a period. So for me, coming from a place of, you know, my period is this actually really painful, really inconvenient, kind of gross thing to not having it at all? I actually was, I felt so liberated and I had, I remember over the years, you know, people saying, but you’re but what about all these you know, these hormones that you’re, like, pummelling into your, artificial hormones that you’re pummelling into your body? I was like, yeah, but hello. No, period. I feel amazing. But I felt really kind of constant because I guess I would because I didn’t have oestrogen peaks or progesterone highs or whatever. So. So yeah, it felt at the time exactly the right thing that I should be doing.

Le’Nise: So 10 years without a period at all. So 10 years is a long time. It’s a really long time. Yeah. And to go from having these periods that you said were affected you quite a lot, were painful, were heavy, to then 10 years. So actually going into your adult life without a period and then when you presumably at some point you stopped taking the pill. Talk about that. What happened there? What what was that decision around deciding to stop? 

Arianna: So that that was really interesting. And I listened to one of your more recent podcast with one of your guests, and they said that transitioning off the pill was a total breeze and she didn’t feel any different

And I was like, that is not my experience.

And so I decided to come off because my husband and I, we got married a couple of years ago and we were like, OK, we’re going to try and start a family. Let’s try and start now. I’ve been talking about my, my period and coming off the pill for a while at Pachamama and it’s been a, it’s been a it’s been an ordeal. It’s felt like an ordeal for me. So I came off last October and but I specifically went to my GP and I said, “if I come off the pill, how likely is it, you know, how quick can we get pregnant?” And he was like, “”t’s almost immediate.” So I thought, OK, you know, it could be almost immediate. You know, you’re you know, you hear all these hear all these things. You read all these bits online, and it’s like you’re most fertile when you immediately stop your contraceptive pill, et cetera, et cetera. So I was like, great, I’ll just come off and we’ll just have loads of sex and I’ll be pregnant within, within months. But I, I, I mean, it didn’t happen like that. It hasn’t happened like that. I came off the pill. I remember literally the day I stopped taking it, rushing into Boots and buying a fuck load of tampons, a fuck load of pads, expecting it to come literally any day and not really remembering or knowing how to handle it, just knowing that it wasn’t a good experience. It’s heavy. It’s painful to just stock up on Feminax and be prepared. But it didn’t come for two weeks. It then didn’t come for four weeks. And I was like, oh, God, this, I’ve done something wrong. I’ve done something to my body here. It’s kind of freaking me out that, why isn’t my period coming? I come off the pill. The GP said, you know, these things, everything will kind of go back to normal. It just didn’t. And so I really sort of started to panic and then wondered maybe people were right. Maybe I was on the pill for such a long time, putting all these drugs into my body that I’ve done something awful. And I spoke to a friend of mine who was in a very similar situation. She’d been on the pill for eight years, I think. She’d just come off it. She hadn’t had her period for two months. And her GP had told her it can take up to six months to get your period back. So I was like. I was kind of annoyed, I was relieved, but I was also really pissed off that my GP hadn’t been disclosed the full information about coming off the pill.

And then I was really, really I think I think it was almost supposed to happen this way because then when my period did come after two months, I got it in December, just at a friend’s wedding. I remember that. I was so relieved. I was so relieved. I actually cried, I think, a little bit. I was like, thank God, I’m bleeding. And for the first time, I was actually, like, grateful that I had a period because it just meant that I hadn’t totally fucked up my insides and things. Things are OK and think, you know, my body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. So I had this, like, massive wave of relief and sort of gratefulness about my period, which I had never ever really felt before.

Le’Nise: Wow, there’s so much to unpack in what you’ve just said, so the fact that your GP said that you would get your period back, like instantaneously or within two weeks, it’s just, I mean, everything I know about this is that you should really, it can take up to six months, sometimes even up to a year to get your period back, because you’ve just been, you’ve been suppressing ovulation in your menstrual cycle for so long that, you know, it stands to reason that, you know, it’s 10 years of not having a period. It will take time for your body to understand that. Well, firstly, for the pill to actually come, detoxify out of your system, but also for your brain to then know, oh, OK, it’s time to, you know, restart the engine.

So time to restart that oestrogen and progesterone production. So I’m really sorry that you you went through that, because that’s really, it’s traumatic because you had this expectation that you were going to get your period and then you were going to start your fertility journey. 

So talk about what happened after you got your period. So two months after you stopped the pill.

What happened after you got your period?

Arianna: So I got the first bleed, I guess, after 10 years, and then and then I thought, OK, it’s going to kind of go back to normal. It took a really, it took another six months, I think, for me to become regular. So my first cycle was about 50 days. The second one was 40. Then it went down to 30, and now it’s somewhere between 21 and 30 or whatever. It’s still, it’s I can kind of expect to know when it comes, but it’s still I still convince myself that I might be pregnant at the end of every cycle, which is in itself exhausting. But I’m a type A, I like to, I’m a real planner. I like to like have all the facts and figures. So I did a lot of listening to kind of period stories. And a book that kept coming up over and over again was Maisie Hill’s Period Power. So I read that during that first cycle and the way that she talks about harnessing your hormones and the different phases as seasons, I kind of read the chapters on the seasons as I was kind of going through them. And I basically just tried to clue myself up on as much information about what is happening to my body at different stages, which has been absolutely amazing. Like I feel so much more. I’ve gone from this sort of, feeling of really sort of insecure and, and almost naïveté and ignorance around what happens to my body, to feeling completely empowered and quite excited when I get my period or I’m at a certain stage and I kind of, I kind of understand what’s happening or at least I think I understand what’s happening and then I can sort of live my month in ways that best suit me. 

So I guess since that first period, I’ve just been on this sort of like learning journey about what happens to your body and kind of what it needs for everything from sort of the way you work out to what you eat and how you should work. And, you know, these aren’t necessarily like hard and fast rules. But generally speaking, yes, when you’re in the menstrual phase, you should take exercise that is slightly lighter. But then yesterday I woke up, I’m on my period right now. Yesterday I woke up and I really needed to go for a run. So I did. So obviously, you know, it’s very dependent on how you feel that day. But just knowing that I can listen to my body and do what it needs and be OK with it, if not moving is, is a is what it feels like doing today. And that’s okay. Whereas before I think I never really had to think about that because I never had a period. So I didn’t have the peaks and the lows and the and the changes. So I just was like go go, go the whole time. So yeah, I think I’ve basically just learnt a shit ton about the way that I am because I was also quite nervous about who I was without the pill, I still have I think I, I think I’m a bit of a psychopath now. I’m not going to lie literally.

Like it’s it’s really, it’s really difficult to sometimes regulate. But I don’t like this sort of Jekyll and Hyde situation that I can sometimes find myself in in the run up to my period. I find that really hard to manage. There are some things that I you know, I really still, I’m I’m still struggling with the way that my body just changes. It just changes shape. It looks completely different in one part of the cycle to the next.

So I’m learning and learning to kind of love the bits that I don’t like as well. But yeah, that’s basically what I’ve been doing is is just trying to get as much information and live up live the cycles, the way that would make me feel best in each of those different parts, if that makes sense. You like, I just I don’t even know if I answer the question. 

Le’Nise: You know, you did answer the question and I said something really interesting there. So you had ten years of being completely kind of level, the same, not having the highs and lows and now you’re experiencing the highs and the lows and sometimes the highs can be high and sometimes the low can be low. And what I like to say to the women I work with is that the lows, they don’t have to be low. You know, you can you’re never going to be as level as you are when you’re on the pill. But it can be kind of like a gentle, rolling hill of emotion. It doesn’t have to be kind of like this mountain summit of like, the summit and the the kind of. What’s the what’s the word I’m looking for, you know, the bottom of the valley? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So that’s been a really interesting transition from where you emotionally learning who you are off of the pill, and if you think, I just want to go into that a little bit, so if you compare Arianna on the pill to Arianna off the pill, what would you say the biggest differences are? 

Arianna: It’s a really good question, I mean. Now I feel a lot more feminine. Not that I didn’t feel feminine before, but I definitely feel a lot more womanly, I guess. And I say that because not that I didn’t feel that before, but I definitely feel like that now. So I must have there must be a shift there somewhere, I think, because I can almost relate to women generally more now, given that I have my own cycle, whereas before I thought I couldn’t because I, I didn’t understand it. I didn’t experience it. Whereas now I. I definitely feel that sort of feminine energy, I guess. I definitely feel a lot sexier at the good parts of my cycle.

And I definitely feel more empowered because by nature of learning and and gaining that knowledge about what happens to me and my body, I feel a lot stronger. And I like to kind of share that, share that wisdom because I even though.

I’m only learning about it now, I have friends that have had there, they never went on contraception and they’ve had their periods for their entire lives, but they don’t they still don’t necessarily know the intricacies of of what happens to the different parts of their body.

And you necessarily like what they should eat or how they should, you know, or what’s recommended that they do.

 So I like to kind of to kind of share that. I think that the highs are definitely more, I guess, potentially meaningful now, given the. It’s it bounce and, you know, it goes up and down a little bit. I think probably more frequently than before I did say that to my husband. I was like I was like, have I always been like this? Or is it just more noticeable now? 

And he’s like, I think you’ve always been like this. So maybe actually hasn’t changed that much, but I’m just maybe a little bit more sensitive to it.

I don’t know. But yeah, I definitely think compared to before, I feel I definitely feel a different type of energy and I definitely feel a lot more empowered and in control of my body in a way that I wasn’t before.

Le’Nise: Empowered and in control that I think those are really strong, important words, I want to just touch on something you said about your husband noticing the changes in you. And what is really interesting is there’s some research that shows that women who have met their partner when they’re on the pill, if they come off the pill, they notice that they might feel differently towards them because the pill suppresses those pheromones that attract us to our partners. And I know you met your now husband when, before you went on the pill. But thinking about your relationship with him, did you, do you notice any differences with regarding that? So being on the pill and now being off the pill.

Arianna: That is so interesting. I didn’t know that at all about the pheromones. And I, I, I was actually really nervous about coming off. I said, oh no, I said to him on numerous occasions is like, you may not like me, like how is that going to work? But no, I mean if anyone who’s not met my husband, he’s he’s the most incredible man and I don’t say that lightly. He’s made me a much more kind of nicer and grounded person. But I don’t think it’s changed anything. 

I think he may have noticed that I can get more sensitive about things around certain times of the month, but we’re pretty open about it. 

I tell him, OK, I’m in autumn, so I know, I track everything, or at least I try to where I look at, look at, look at the cycle and it tells you when you might be PMSing. So I just give him a forewarning. I’m really tempted to put my my cycle days in his diary so that he’s aware. But yeah, no, he’s, he’s pretty good, he’s pretty chill, chilled out person. So he can, he definitely knows how to. How to, I want to say handle me, but that’s just a terrible way, just how to have to give me space when I need it and how to comfort me when I when I need that. But actually, if anything, I think I’ve definitely, definitely got a higher sex drive now that I’m off the pill. That’s definitely something that I should have mentioned before. So for us in that respect, it’s also been great. 

And that’s why I say when I feel when I think maybe what I meant when I’m saying I feel a lot sexier is that I definitely have that libido back, which I think sometimes the progesterone only pill can, can sort of diminish.

So. So, yeah, no, thankfully he still likes me and we’re still happily married. 

Le’Nise: And in terms of your sex drive, so you’ve got you said you’ve got it back and the, what are the differences that you noticed? Is it more you are more likely now to initiate sex or your orgasm. Stronger, more sustained? Talk a little bit about that. 

Arianna: Yeah, I just find that.

I yeah, I want to have sex more often, and I’m likely the one to initiate it most of the time. Orgasms have always been pretty intense. So they’ve been good. I haven’t noticed, I don’t think any sort of major shift in that. But in terms of just when I feel like having sex and wanting sex is definitely been on the up since I’ve come off the pill.

Le’Nise: OK, and now I like to just talk a little bit about your the fertility side of your story. So you come off the pill nearly a year ago, you got your period back two months in and you described how at the end of every cycle you have this anticipation of potentially being pregnant. Can you talk a little bit about what you’ve been doing to support your fertility? 

Arianna: Yeah, not much, to be totally honest. The first few months of coming off, so I got my first, I came off, I came off the pill in October, I got my first period in December. And then I remember I said the cycles were really, really long. So it’s only sort of in around April, May, I’d say May even of this year. So only a few months ago have they really started to sort of regulate.

So it was kind of giving my body a bit of time to adjust and kind of get back into a more, I guess, regular cycle. 

I said I did nothing, I’ve just remembered I took loads of supplements, so so like I said, you know, I’m type A, I’m like, okay, what do I need? What do I need? What can I get? I remember that meeting that I had with the GP. He was like, if you want to just before you start and when you get pregnant or just as you’re trying and and when you get pregnant, you should take folic acid. So I bought folic acid and I was kind of taking that for a while. 

And then somebody had recommended some, some fertility supplements, which included folic acid. So I, so I took that instead. Then I bumped into another friend who said, “oh, I take these sort of other sachets and, you know, it’s actually for PCOS, it’s for women who suffer with PCOS. But they’ve you know, all my friends have taken them and they’ve been pregnant within three months why don’t you take that?” And I was like, OK, why not? And then it was like I was doing the basal body temperature. I was peeing on ovulation sticks. There was a month where I basically felt like some sort of stuffed turkey, literally. I would like, it was just it was way too much and I was like, OK, you need to chill out, to the point where, like I’d be like I said to my husband, is that right, that we need to have sex like have sex today. And it doesn’t work that way, you know? You know, I work late. He works much, much later. So to even to just try and switch off from work and try and have sex because you have to that’s it just doesn’t it literally doesn’t work.

So I think I became this sort of like trying to conceive monster. I was so extreme just trying to do all of the things and trying to get it right, because that’s how I’ve always been.

That’s that’s how I do everything, if I really want to if I really want to do something, then I’ll, I’ll work really hard to do it and I’ll and I’ll do it, unfortunately, you know, with work and with whatever it is, unfortunately, in this situation there’s not a whole lot I can do. A lot of this is out of my hands and I’m a major control freak. So to give up that control, to just try and just let it happen organically and actually is a real challenge for me. And I think that I do it every every month. I’m like this, I’m just going to going to just try and chill. I’m going to take one supplement that’s been recommended by a physician and that’s just let’s just have sex when we have sex, if we can try and do it over the fertile window, more so over the fertile window than great. But let’s not be, let’s not let’s not get so mad because I can get really sort of tunnel vision about these things.

But, you know, but still at the end of and I’m like, every time I’m like, I’m not going to take a pregnancy test, I’m just going to wait for the period to come. 

Like but every single time at the end of the cycle, I manage to convince myself that I’m pregnant because I didn’t know my boobs feel different or because this hasn’t come this time, or because I put on this much more weight than, you know, whatever it is. And. And I’m not and it is exhausting, it’s exhausting and it’s hard because I also think because I’ve made my period in public and fertility story relatively public, you know, it’s on The Pachamama blog. I talk about it on Instagram a lot. I also fear that there’s this sort of expectation that whenever I see someone after a few months, that I haven’t seen them now with like sort of lockdown down, lifting, etc.. And you can see friends. I’m, I’m concerned that they’ll be like, are you pregnant or expect me to say I’m pregnant and I’m not. And I think that’s more in my head than theirs. No one’s thinking about me. Everyone’s thinking about themselves. I get that. But I, but I feel like because it’s out there, I’ve got an additional layer of expectation to hit, which is which is quite tough sometimes. 

So I’m trying to now find ways of sort of relaxing and and being a bit more sort of like forgiving for my to my body and my my mindset more than anything else, because the more I think about not being pregnant, the more stressed or anxious they become. And I think that that’s obviously just terrible for your insides and your, you know, both physically and mentally. So I’m actually running a yoga fertility course on Pachamama, which I’m actually partaking in myself, which is great. And it started last Friday, but I’ve been doing the practices and that really sort of. Even if it’s more for my mental state, it just really sort of grounding, which is good. But yeah, that was the long answer. I know, but yeah, it’s a lot.

Le’Nise: Yeah, it’s what you said. It reminds me of you said you had this feeling at the end of one cycle that you were like a stuffed turkey. And it reminded me of this episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte was trying to get pregnant and she was doing all the things. And then she finally goes to acupuncture because everyone was doing it and everyone got pregnant after doing acupuncture. And then by the end, she just, like, totally loses it. And I think it’s really important when it comes to fertility for everyone to know that they’re on their own individual journey. And people are really well-meaning and they want to share well, this worked for me and that worked for me. But in the end, you have to figure out the right way for you. Of course, there are supplements that are really great to take. So you mentioned folic acid. I typically will recommend folate because it’s a natural form of folic acid. Folic acid has been linked to tongue tie and cleft palate in babies. So that’s just a little little tip there.

But knowing what supplements are right for you to take because you know, you’re still healing after being on the pill. And so what’s right for someone with PCOS isn’t necessarily going to be right for you as someone who doesn’t have PCOS. But I think it’s interesting because when we’re trying to get pregnant and I think about my own journey as well, you just clutch at anything that you think is going to get you there because you’re and I’m thinking back ong my own experience. You’re so desperate to get to that goal you want, you’re so desperate to get pregnant that when I if I could go back and speak to my self back then, I would say, calm down. You know, it’ll happen. Just enjoy the process, you know, and but it’s hard because you lose perspective, completely lose perspective. So I want to talk a little bit more about what you said about letting go and finding ways to let go. You mentioned the yoga fertility for a fertility course that you’re doing. What other ways are you, what are the things are you using to let go a little bit?

Arianna: I’m a terrible ‘let her goer’, but I I mean, yoga in general, I only really started to do since lockdown. 

My husband was always into it and he sort of bought me a mat and pulled it alongside his, you know, at the start of lockdown, and I don’t do that often, I don’t you know, I’m not a, I’m not a regular yogi, but I try and do at least once a week, and I do. Whether it’s fertility or not, it’s definitely helped me get some space. I use an app to try and meditate when I only when I think I really, really need it. So sometimes. And again, this isn’t just about the fertility journey, just about sort of whenever I get a little bit anxious with work or I feel slightly overwhelmed about stuff, I put on a ten minute meditation and that that’s sometimes really helps. I’m alot better at saying I’m doing these things than actually doing them. Walking really helps getting outside. That’s definitely a game changer for me. I also started running, which I normally used to hate, but I find that if I do it for more therapeutic reasons than physical ones, I really, really enjoy it. And it doesn’t need to be long. 

So I guess either stillness or getting outside really, really helps with that.

Le’Nise: That’s really interesting, stillness. So it’s like taking it back from this feeling of, that you always have to be doing to this feeling of being so being a human being rather than a human doing. See what I did there?

And it’s really important that you’re if you’re going back to the basics, it’s what do we need to sustain ourselves? So connecting with our breath, connecting with nature, connecting with these feelings that will then switch us into this parasympathetic calming state. I love that. Now, talk a little bit about your business, Pachamama. You’ve mentioned it a few times. Tell listeners what what it is, what is and what why you started it. 

Arianna: Sure. So Pachamama, as it is at the moment, is a network of parents, mainly mums, mums and health practitioners in women’s health and child and baby, baby and toddler experts that sort of come together to support women’s transition into parenthood. We do a whole bunch of free stuff through Instagram live and on Zoom, kind of talks and kind of Q&As. But we also do a few sort of paid for courses and that kind of go deeper on certain topics. The end game, though, for Pachamama was to always have a sort of physical space or spaces across London. And the idea is, whilst it’s shifted online for covid, either online or in, in real life, is to create the sort of destination for women to come to to sort of get back in touch with not who they were before their baby, but definitely there’s definitely a shift in identity when you become a mother. And so it’s just to kind of give them a space to come to you to feel safe and supported whilst also giving them, even if it’s a couple of hours in their day to kind of do what they need. So at the site, we would have, you know, on site childcare so that they could then work for two hours or have a coffee with friends or have a coffee alone or do a class or have a treatment. And that’s what I’m trying to create. I think, you know, sharing knowledge and bringing people together and communities is a is a massive part of what I do in my day job. 

And I wanted to kind of create that for, I guess certainly the next stage of my own life, because I if I’m headed that way, that’s something that I desperately would like to have in existence when I get there, because obviously I’m not a mum yet. 

But I, I before I started Pachamama, I spoke to a lot of women, mainly friends first and then and then kind of their wider NCT groups and did surveys and and and had sort of focus groups and really sort of and it really kind of hit home that a lot of the needs for, I guess, modern motherhood aren’t necessarily met here in the UK at least. And so I wanted to see how I might be able to fill that gap and support them in ways that that they need, that they can’t find sort of elsewhere. 

Le’Nise: I love that, I love what you mentioned about that transition in identity, because it’s certainly something that I experienced. And when I look at my friends who have had children, there is that identity shift and it’s this push and pull where I’ve seen some of them really fall into this identity of being a mom, a mother, and that becomes kind of all encompassing for them. But then others have really struggled with that. And I always find it really interesting about the French, how they say that actually being a mother is just one part of their identity and they are really passionate about making sure that they are still in touch with the other parts of their identity and not kind of letting, motherhood is important. And it’s part of them, but it isn’t the only thing. And I think that is something that a lot of us need to need to remember, because it also makes you a better mother when you’re kind of still in touch with the other parts of you.

Arianna: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. And obviously I it’s like I said, I don’t have first hand experience, but we are all about I feel really passionately about championing the woman behind the mother.

And as you say, that motherhood is just one part of who she is. So so, yeah, that’s that’s my that’s what we’re doing. And that’s what I hope to hope to create. Yeah. Pretty pretty quickly in a physical space when that time is right. 

Le’Nise: So if listeners are really interested in what you’re saying, they’re really interested in Pachamama, where can they find you?

Arianna: So a lot of our free content is on IGTV. So Instagram is probably a really good place to start. Our handle is at @pachamama.london and then everything from our courses to a little bit more about who we are. And we have a podcast and and a blog. It’s I think it’s www.pachamama-london.com

Le’Nise: So all the links will be in the show notes.

Arianna: Thank you.

Le’Nise: If listeners take one thing out of all of the brilliant things that you’ve shared, what would you want that to be?

Arianna: That’s a really hard question.

I think it’s that don’t be afraid to talk about stuff. I kept my period not coming out story for a really long time, and I felt really anxious because I felt like I was on my own and I had done this to myself and and no one else can understand what I’m going through. But as soon as I put it on the blog that I came off the pill and it took me ages to get my period back, the number of women that got in touch with me to say I was going through the same thing was overwhelming. And I think if we don’t talk about the stuff that is scary or uncomfortable or embarrassing or whatever.

Then it will always be shrouded in secrecy because no one can get any information about it because no one’s talking about it. You know, I I got some really bad advice. Once I when I told a friend of mine she was pregnant with her second child, she was like, whenever you decide to come off the pill and start trying, don’t tell anyone, just don’t. And I was like, “OK, fine, why?” “It’s just because people just keep asking, are you pregnant? Pregnant? I’m pregnant and it’ll make you feel like shit when you’re not.” And I was like, okay, that’s actually pretty sound advice. Then I told one of my closest friends, I said, “don’t make a big deal about this, please don’t ask me any questions, but I’ve come off the pill. I’ll let you know when I’m pregnant. Just don’t ask me about it.” Poor girl, she then eventually put in that and then a few months later, I put this story of my period and coming off the pill and getting my period, being, you know, coming late and stuff on the block. And she messaged me and she was like that friend messaged me and said, you know, you’d asked me not to ask you about it, but I’m in a similar position and I didn’t know if I could bring it up with you because you told me not to talk to you about it. But I’ve just read on your blog that we’re going through the same thing. And let’s talk about it now. And. And I actually I called her and I was like, I’m so sorry I ever said that to you. There’s no way the, you should tell anyone not to talk to you about like, you know, like I think about it now and I’m like, obviously we should be talking about these things all of the time. If yeah. If someone were to ask me, oh, why aren’t you pregnant? Yeah, I could say I actually really don’t want to talk about it, if that’s OK. And shut up. Shut that conversation down. But I can’t. 

My whole thing about Pachamama is sharing and knowledge and information, and I can’t not do that myself, which is, I think, why I’ve become really open about sharing my, my story and saying, yeah, we’re not pregnant yet. And we’ve been trying since October, it’s coming up to a year and trying to kind of be OK with that. Because if I’m OK with that and I if I feel comfortable talking about it and other women in the same situation will be able to feel less alone, unsupported, and there is massive safety in numbers and there is kind of strength in seeking help and asking stuff. 

And so, yeah, I, I, I think if there’s one thing you take away is to just talk about stuff. 

Share, share, share is as much as you feel comfortable with obviously. But just know that you’re likely not alone in something that you’re experiencing. So yeah.

Le’Nise: That is brilliant and those are great words to leave us on. Strength and seeking help and it’s OK to share talk about stuff. Thank you so much for coming on the show, Arianna, and thank you so much for sharing your story.

Arianna: It was an absolute pleasure. I could talk to you for hours, Le’Nise.

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